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Villain Cafe (Part 1)
Writer’s Note: While this is a funny idea, it requires a huge amount of detail, especially if you’ve never read my stuff before. Therefore whenever a villain appears for the first time and you don’t know who it is (this discounts villains that have appeared in the Teen Titans show), their powers and where they appeared in my stories for the first time (or if created by another author, in THEIR stories) will be listed. If they were created by DC Comics and not by me, their brief profile will begin with DC. If they have not yet appeared in my works, they will be listed as HAY (Which stands for Hasn’t Appeared Yet. Which means they will eventually). Aren’t I nice? Anyway, let’s take a looksee on what our favorite bad guys are doing on their off hours…
Writer’s Post Story Note: This turned out a lot longer then I planned…
Webmaster's Note: Originally, this story was posted on ff.net in script format, but when they banned it, LM edited the original into a narrative. Unfortunately, there is no copy of the script form, so if it seems awkward, that's why. However, this copy DOES include the songs LM had to remove. Also, this was too big to fit in one page, so at the end there is a link to the next half.
We are in a dark alleyway. Come to think of it, is there ever a brightly lit alleyway? I swear if I could find some way to work that extreme opposite irony into a story…anyway we see two figures standing in the shadows, talking to another figure in the shadows. Except this figure IS the shadows.
“Didn’t quite expect to see you around here. Doesn’t strike me as your kind of place.” said The Lord of the Night (Insane vigilante/messiah, Black And White Chapter 9).
“And I didn’t expect YOU to be opening a bar.” Said one of the figures, who appeared to be short and wearing a pointed hat.
“This is a What If. Reality doesn’t matter.” Replied the other figure: the only detail we can get of him is that he is wearing a long coat.
“As real as this weird comic/cartoon/writing world gets anyway.” Said Figure 2.
“Well I can hardly deny you entrance. As much as I might want to. This planet must be purified!” The Lord complained.
“You’re a bad guy. Do the math.” Replied Figure 2. The Lord snorted.
“Fine. Welcome to Moriarity’s. Or as some people call it, the Villain Café.” The Lord said, as the Lord convalesced into a physical form. Now wearing a suit, the Lord turned and opens the door. Immediately, a huge figure loomed within.
“What’s the password?” asked Cinderblock.
“Let me in before I blow you to pebbles, you third-rate Thing.”
“It’s the boss.” Cinderblock replied, and the Lord was let in, followed by the Figures as Cinderblock stepped back. Plasmus is also there, and he is arguing with a teenager.
“…every right to be in here!” complained Nester Weames (Would be supervillian. Wings of the Eagles Chapter 21).
“You’re still a nobody, as of NOW.” Plasmus threw back. “Without the HERO Device…
“PLASMUS!” bellowed the Lord.
“Uh right, no saying the H Word in here. Sorry boss.” Plasmus stammered, looking scared.
“Right. What seems to be the problem?” asked the Lord.
“This kid claims he used the…er, a magical artifact to gain power, which he used as a supervillian. He says that means he should be let in the bar. But he doesn’t have the device any more and hence he’s just a stupid kid.” Cinderblock said.
“I trashed the Titans! I even got one of the best visual elements the author created in my arc!” Nester protested.
“You mean that mud tidal wave?” The Lord said.
“Yeah!”
“Not impressed.” The Lord replied. Nester looked crestfallen.
“But, but…!”
“How many people did you kill?” The Lord enquired.
“None! I’m not a murderer!”
“Psshhhttt. You’re a wannabe.” The Lord said, dismissing the teenager.
“And you’re a lunatic who thinks every problem in the world can be solved by murder!” Nester fired back.
There was DEAD silence. Which may be fitting in a bit…
Then the Lord smirked.
“…Heh. This kid may not have powers, but he has stones. Let him in.”
“Yes boss.” Said Cinderblock.
“Follow me you two.” The Lord said.
The two did so…and step into a dimly lit, on purpose, underground area which is quite large. There was a bar taking up the far wall, and a restaurant and stage as well. The entire area was filled with villains, in full costume, drinking, eating, conversing, and whatnot. The only people who are not villains are the waitresses. As mentioned, there was a stage in the place, and Kitten, Killer Moth’s daughter, currently occupies it. She was singing. Horribly. The Lord winced.
“You’ll excuse me. Go sit in the VIP area.” He said, and then vanished in a swirl of shadows. Meanwhile, Kitten continued singing. Horribly.
“NE-VAH WUZ AND NEVAH WILL BEE, YOU DON’T KNOW…” And that was far as she got as the mike was turned off. “HEY!”
“Get off the stage.” The Lord said, holding the plug.
“No!”
With a growl, the Lord turned into a nightmarish shadow beast twice as big as Mammoth. “GET OFF THE STAGE BEFORE I REMOVE YOUR TONGUE FROM YOUR HEAD!”
“AHHHHHHH! Daddy!” Kitten shrieked as she ran away.
“About bloody time someone shut that birdie up. HEY! WAITRESS! GET ME ANOTHER TEQUILA COLLINS! Why does that drink’s name make me mad…” Asphyxiation said. (Psychotic Australian who commands a sentient malleable energy called the Grimmer, Black and White Chapter 20). Meanwhile, The Lord got off the stage…and was confronted by Killer Moth.
“You can’t talk to my daughter that way!” Killer Moth said, trying to sound confident.
The Lord sprouted eight new arms with nasty weapons.
“Yes. I Can.”
“……..AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!” Killer Moth screamed, and promptly ran away.
“Way ta go Dad.” Kitten muttered, as the Lord put away the weapons and headed to the VIP Area. He passed a waitress along the way.
“Sir, are you going to order?” she asked her customer.
“….” ‘Said’ Killjoy. (Ice cold, sociopathic, never speaking hitman. Black and White Chapter 7)
“Sir, really, you have to order something.” Said the waitress.
“….”
“Sir, you can’t just…”
Killjoy pulled out a gun and shot the waitress.
No one much notices.
A few seconds pass and suddenly something blurred into existence near the body.
“For the forth time, stop doing that! Do you have any idea how much energy it takes to reconstruct brain tissue?” Chastised Whim (Teenage God. HAY). The young deity then demonstrated his amazing power by reviving the waitress, who got up, looking stunned, and walked off.
“….” Killjoy said.
“Yeah, whatever.” Whim replied, and warped back to the bar, where he was serving as bartender.
“Now what did you want?” He asked his customer. Which was Warp, who was about to answer…
“A…”
And then with a sudden flash of light, Warp was a pre-teen.
“Century.”
“Yeah, looks like you could use it.” Whim replied sarcastically.
“Give me a Century!”
“Oh I’m sorry sir, you’re underage.” Whim smirked.
“BLAST!”
And now we head over to the entrance, to our two bouncers.
“Hey Plasmus, who do you think would win in a fight between Superman and Mighty Mouse?” Cinderblock asked.
“Dude, Mighty Mouse is a cartoon! Superman’s a real guy! It isn’t even a contest!” Plasmus answered.
Unfortunately, while the two were arguing, the Troika, aka Gizmo, Jinx, and Mammoth (The Troika is what I call them, if you’re new) took advantage of it and slipped past them. They promptly make a beeline for the bar.
“Hey! Snothead! Make me a drink!” Gizmo ordered. Whim looked amused.
“I’m sorry, you’re underage. And immature.” Whim said. Gizmo looked highly perturbed at being refused.
“Uh…make me a drink?” Jinx tried.
“You’re also underage.”
“MAKE ME A DRINK!” Mammoth roared.
“You may be large, but you’re still underage.” Whim replied. Now the whole Troika looked mad.
“You crudmouth! Give me one good reason not to blast you!” Gizmo snarled.
Whim just pointed behind him. The Troika turned around to find their headmistress, who looked very cross.
“Uh…we got lost?” Jinx said sheepishly.
“I swear…” The Headmistress said, as she grabbed the entire Troika by their ears. How? Beats me, I just work here. “We try and have a nice field trip and you hooligans are trying to get drunk! You are all in big trouble!”
“But, but! Hey! The…” Gizmo protested.
“No buts! You’re staying in the restaurant section!” The Headmistress said, as she dragged off the Troika.
And hence missing who they’re pointing at…the latest graduates of the H.I.V.E. Created by me anyway. I call them The Five.
“Ah, Mikron.” Said Raw (Leader of new graduates. Has mechanical arms and legs which contain about 10,000 different sharp things. HAY). “So smart and yet so…”
And then the glass exploded in her hand. That was the curse of having cyborg limbs: it could be hard to hold fragile things. “BLAST! I knew I shouldn’t have brought my battle arms!”
“Hah! Mikron! No wonder Gizmo never varies from his handle!” said Abrasion (Turns into a cloud of flesh-rending dust. HAY)
“That joke is dead Dominique.” said Standstill (Can match and neutralize any human or metahuman ability. HAY)
“Shut up John! Go drink some non-alcoholic swill like God Boy here! I swear, why did Jo Jo even bother making you a fake ID?” snarled back Abrasion, aka Dominique.
“I don’t recall exactly where in the Bible where it says that alcohol is bad, but I do know the Latin phrase. In Potus, Veritas. “In drink, truth”. So I don’t. Go ahead and drink your Warsaw. That drink is so potent you’ll be under the table in two minutes flat.” Said Cataract (Controls the weather, also a Christian, hence “God Boy”. HAY).
“Hah! Not me! I could drink ten of these and still be the designated driver!” Abrasion boasted.
“Aurora…” said Standstill, aka John.
“Let him reap what he sows John…” Raw, aka Aurora managed to say before her second glass shattered. “GOD DAMMIT!”
“Please Aurora.” Said Cataract.
“Sorry.”
“Hey, don’t take that bullplop! You know, if I was the leader, you’d all be kissing my boot just so…WAITRESS! MORE!” Abrasion said. He was clearly already becoming drunk.
“Jo Jo, think you can draw a designated driver?” Cataract asked as he sipped his Virgin Mary.
“Shurreeee, wouldja like him prettttyyyyy colorz az well…” Slurred Jo Jo, aka Masterpiece. (Can bring anything she draws to life. Last member of the Five. HAY)
“Oh dear Jesus, you’re drunk too.” Cataract said.
“Nah, just messing with ya.” Masterpiece said, back to normal in a second.
“Hah! Ok my friends, a toast to our hopefully soon first appearance.” Raw said, as she raised her glass.
And it promptly broke.
“GOD DAMMIT BURN IN HELL!”
Cataract sighed.
Back at the bar, another girl sidled up to the other bartender. The normal one: Whim is the manager who is also doubling as a bartender this night. It was a female villain called Eyesore. (Girl genius with technology that suffers from a split personality, with the other alternate being viciously homicidal due to sexual abuse. Commands a brain-warping helmet. Wings of the Eagles Chapter 12)
“Hey smurfhead! I…SMURFHEAD?” Eyesore exclaimed, as she clearly didn’t mean to say that.
“Sorry. Though the author doesn’t mind profanity, she doesn’t want any in this story.” Replied the normal bartender, the Weather Wizard (DC, controls the weather, though unlike Cataract, he needs a wand to do it. Wings of the Eagles Chapter 10).
“WHAT! That’s a smurf’n copout, you smurf’n smurf! Smurf you! Smurf you all the way to smurf!”
“Right. What do you want?” Weather Wizard calmly replied.
“A Bloody Maria!”
“I’m sorry, you’re underage and therefore…” The Weather Wizard began, and then Eyesore activated her helmet, flashing a myriad of light patterns directly into Weather Wizard’s brain. “ This drink is on the house! What did you want?”
“A…” Eyesore began, and then her voice suddenly changed and became softer. “A Carrie Nation.”
“Coming right up!” Weather Wizard said as he left to prepare it.
“Why you! Tell me what’s the smurf’, argh, point of going to a bar if we’re gonna order a smurf’n smurf NONALCOHOLIC DRINK!” Eyesore cursed at herself, back to the hardened, nasty voice. Then her eyes seemed to fade a bit.
“You hate hangovers anyway.” Eyesore replied to herself.
“BLAST!” Cursed the back again hard voice. Resigned, the young villain took her drink from Weather Wizard.
“Can I get you anything else?” The Weather Wizard asked.
“Can you get me another appearance in the Creator’s works?” Eyesore inquired.
“No.”
FLASH!
“Yes!”
And we leave that to pan back across the bar, past pictures of great villains. Robert Patrick as the T-1000, Robert Englund and Kane Hodder as Freddy Krueger and Jason Vorhees, and Alan Rickman as the Sheriff of Nottingham are the ones we see until we come back to Whim, who was finishing his own drink.
“There you go. One Haunted Bride.” Said Whim, serving the drink to Murdercrow (Blind warrioress with superhuman senses and a pair of nasty tasers. Black and White Chapter 27). The girl tried to pick up her drink…and missed it. She felt along the table for it until Whim picked it up and put it in her hand.
“Senses overwhelmed with data?” Whim asked.
“No, the author being cute.” Murdercrow replied.
CRASH!
“AH GODDAMIT THAT’S THE FORTH WALL THIS WEEK!” The Lord yelled from his spot in the VIP Section. “BUSBOY! Clean that mess up!”
The Puppet King headed out of the kitchen with a broom and a dustpin, looking miserable.
“It’s not fair, I had all the Titans…now I’m as useless as rotten wood…it’s not fair…I had the magic…” He whined to himself as he began sweeping up the mess.
At another table, we found even more villains.
“Why are we even here? We haven’t appeared in any of this silly girl writer’s stories!” Said Lady Vic (DC, British aristocrat/deadly assassin, HAY) to one of her companions, Torque (DC…Er…To explain exactly why would take forever, but let’s just say due to an angry and superstrong crime lord, a huge amount of luck, and radical surgery, Torque’s head is stuck facing the wrong way, although due to special glasses that also function as rear view mirrors, he can see behind him….and this explanation of NO explanation is taking longer then an actual explanation…ARGH! Anyway, he’s sitting backwards so he can see the table and trying to drink, but you people probably know the loss of fine control ones suffers when one stick’s one arms behind themselves…HAY)
“The author plans…” Torque said, as he tried to get his beer to his mouth. “To use us in her upcoming Zeus Gauntlet story…never mind that will take forever to…”
And then Torque dropped the mug.
“ARGH!”
Onomatopoeia (DC. Mysterious hitman/assassin who, like his namesake, mimics every single sound he hears. The Epic of Gauntlet Part 9) watched the falling mug.
“Crash, tinkle…drip. Drip. Drip.” He said. (That would be Torque’s mug breaking, the glass scattering, and the beer beginning to drip to the floor. Beginning to get the idea?)
“Stop that! You have no idea how annoying that is.” Said The Scarecrow (DC. Psychotic former professor and master of fear. HAY), as he drank from his glass.
“Sip, sip, chug, sip…” Onomatopoeia said.
“How droll.” Lady Vic said, and shifted in her chair.
“Creaakkkk, shuffle, shift, creak…blink. Blink.” Onomatopoeia said.
Lady Vic just stared.
“Bleh…stupid gimmick villain…back in MY day we didn’t need to be created by movie directors…” Scarecrow said, his voice slurred. It’s not surprising very thin men can’t hold their alcohol well. “No! We walked 10,000 miles through the snow to rob our banks and WE LIKED IT! Waitress, another beer.”
“Me too, AND BRING A STRAW THIS TIME!” Torque ordered, and as he did Control Freak darted by, riding on a chair he brought to life. He was clearly a bit drunk.
“YEE HAW!” He yelled, as the living chair jumped on a table. “Watch out Radioactive Man, the sun is exploding again!” He yelled, as he jumped off. “Tally ho and…AHHHH!” Control Freak shrieked, as the chair had abruptly become just a normal chair again, and the sudden stop sends Control Freak flying through the air. He goes past the VIP section, where the Lord has lowered his hand.
“NOBODY breaks the laws of physics in my place except me.” The Lord said, as Control Freak got up, rubbing his head.
“Owwww….I’m going to feel THAT in the morn…ing…” And that was all the villain got out, as he had spotted Murdercrow sitting quietly at a table by herself, sipping her drink. Hearts replaced his eyes, and he darted over and sits down.
“You came over here rather quickly. Is there a problem?” Murdercrow asked the presence she had felt sit down.
“No…not at all…life is grand…oh so grand…tell me, come here often?” Control Freak asked in typical Wannabe Charmerese.
“I don’t have much else to do, I’m dead.” Murdercrow replied blithely.
Back at the VIP section, another waitress approached the Lord, looking nervous.
“Um, sir…”
“Yes?” The Lord said.
“I just took an order from that table over there and it’s full of…complicated dishes…and uh…well…” The Waitress stammered.
“Spit it out.” The Lord said.
The waitress instinctively spat out her gum. A brief pause, as the Lord looked up at the gum now stuck on his forehead.
“Uh huh. Tad too literal.” He said, and the gum dissolved as the Lord looked back at the terrified waitress. “I’m not going to kill you, out with it!
“Well…the chef is in a bad mood…and I’m afraid of what will happen if I tell him…”
“Look, it’s his job, so give him the damn order!” The Lord snapped.
“Yes sir.” Said the Waitress, and headed for the kitchen.
There was a brief pause.
Then loud yelling and flames erupted from the door, and the waitress came back out, singed and running for her life. A second later, Trigon, in a chef’s hat and an apron that says “A Man of Wealth and Taste” stomped out of the kitchen and over to the Lord.
“NIGHT-COMMANDER! When I sided with you it was to conquer the world! WHY AM I COOKING FOOD IN A HUMAN EATERY!” Trigon bellowed. The Lord looked perturbed.
“I told you Trigon, we’re waiting for the right time, and until we do we have to stay in some place the Titans won’t expect to look. So I suggest you head back and make the orders, unless you want the Fang shoved up your ass again.” The Lord replied.
“INFERNAL GODLING! When this is done, you will know the full extent of my displeasure at this farce!” Trigon roared, and stomped back to the kitchen.
“Pssst, I was the final villain in the main storyline, not you.” The Lord said to himself.
Back at the bar, Atlas threw a bottle onto a huge pile of them. Whim loked in distaste at this, and then with a wave of his hand, the bottles vanish.
“300 beers in 50 seconds! Pay up!” Atlas said triumphantly.
“CURSES! Brother, what did I tell you about making fool’s wages?” Lightning said as he looked at his brother.
“Er…you made that gamble brother.” Thunder replied.
“Don’t blame me for your foolishness! Pay the man!”
“Er…I left my wallet in my other…what am I wearing anyway? A skirt?”
“It doesn’t matter!” Atlas crowed. “Money means nothing to me! I am supreme! The greatest! I can beat anyone at anything!”
“In that case…” Lightning said, as he took off a glove he happened to be wearing and slapped Atlas across the face. “I challenge you to a duel!”
Atlas looked at Lightning, shrugged, and then took off one of his huge hands and slammed it across Lightning’s head in a repeat of Lightning’s gesture.
Except his sent Lightning through the wall, leaving a Lightning shaped hole in it.
A few seconds passed, and then Weather Wizard popped up from behind the bar where he had hidden from this. A few more seconds, and then Whim teleported over.
“No fighting in the bar!” Whim ordered.
“And what are YOU doing to do about it, little man?” Atlas challenged.
Atlas suddenly turned into a chicken, a banana, a parking meter, a can of spam, a bubblegum machine, a copy of Twisted Metal 4, and then back into Atlas.
“I’ll be good.” The giant robot whimpered. Lightning pulled himself groggily from the hole.
“Did anyone get the number for that Gemna tank?”
Back in the VIP section, Cinderblock walked up to the Lord.
“Boss, some people want to see you.”
“Tell them to go away.” The Lord replied.
“They were quite insistent.” Cinderblock answered.
“And I still say…”
Cinderblock turned to show that half of him was charred black.
“…Great. Go back to your post.” The Lord said. Cinderblock left…to reveal Sizzle (Vicious and angry pyrokinetic, Black and White Chapter 27) and Shadowmaster (Quiet, controlled man whose namesake should make his power obvious. Black and White Chapter 27), former minions of his. “Ho boy. Yes?”
“YOU KILLED US YOU SMURF’N SMURF SMURF!” Sizzle screamed.
“You know that Smurf thing has run his course. Changing the censors.” The Lord said, and snapped his fingers. “Anyway, yes?”
“You made us all kinds of promises! And then you leave us to rot! Fuchu! You sock-sucking son of a witch!” Sizzle cursed.
“Oh boo hoo.” The Lord replied. “I didn’t even KILL you Sizzle. You fell on your own sword that Raven was holding….I suppose you want to complain as well Shadowmaster?
“……….What she said.” Shadowmaster said quietly. The Lord sighed.
“Look, not considering the fact I knew it was what had to be done, the one I wronged the most out of you three was Murdercrow, and you don’t see HER complaining. Look, she’s just quietly having a drink.”
And The Lord pointed to where Murdercrow, who was indeed having a drink…albeit not quietly, as she was not only being hit on by Control Freak, but by Dr. Light, Captain Cold, a DC villain who has a freeze gun and appeared in Chapter 12 of Black and White, and The Welder, a villain created by the author Bobcat. He has…welding equipment. Yep, that’s it. He appeared in the final chapter of Black and White.
Shadowmaster frowned, while Sizzle just growled and stomped over, Shadowmaster in her wake. The Lord looked over to his guests.
“Did you have to make her such a bitch?”
“Don’t look at ME.” Said Figure 1.
“Yes.” Replied Figure 2 in a simple tone. The Lord sighed, as Sizzle and Shadowmaster approached the group.
“…nice dress. It would look great…” The Welder was saying.
“HOLD IT!” Sizzle snapped. The males looked up irritably.
“Hello Sizzle.” Murdercrow said. “I heard you complaining. I seem to have attracted some attention, as you may see…”
“Crow, all these guys are ugly, stupid, and just want to get into your pants.”
Murdercrow stiffened.
“They do?”
“Errrrr…” Control Freak stammered.
“Um…” The Welder muttered.
“Plus I think that guy on your left is looking for an opening to cop a feel.” Sizzle added.
In a great burst of movement, Murdercrow snapped her arm down, pulled her taser out of her boot, turned it on, and jammed it right into the balls of Captain Cold, who was that man on the left.
“AHHHHH! Iyeee with the testicles and the zapping and the 100 chance of PAIN!” Captain Cold groaned in a Dr. Frink voice, and then collapsed. All the other males stared at him for a second and then they ran away.
“Men.” Sizzle said as she sat down. “BARKEEP!”
“Yes?” Whim said as he appeared.
“Give me the strongest thing you got.”
Whim gestured and a heavily muscled man stepped up to the table. Sizzle looked him up and down in a combined state of confusion and caution.
“On second thought, how about a Catherine The Great.”
“Shadows Of Your Smile…” Shadowmaster said as he sat down next to Murdercrow.
“Right right.” Whim said, and disappeared. Literally. While Murdercrow looks in Shadowmaster’s direction, seemingly interested that he’s next to her, the Lord gestures in the background . A few seconds later a miserable looking Puppet King walked up and dragged away Captain Cold’s limp form.
And we pan over to the Troika, who are now all sitting in the restaurant section.
“Now, isn’t this better?” The Headmistress said.
“Yes headmistress.” The Troika replied, even though the looks on their face clearly said they didn’t think it was better.
“Excuse me my good lady!” Came A British voice, and then Mad Mod stepped up to the table. “I noticed you were having trouble keeping your young duckies in line. I have an offer for you! Mad Mod’s School of Discipline! By the time I’m through with your little scoundrels, you’ll be able to set your watch by their villainy and not be annoyed…”
Mad Mod’s pitch cut off as a shadow fell over him.
“Wha…” He said, and turned around to see the Lord. Who pointed to a sign that said “No Solicitations.”
“Oh come on my good man, surely you…” Mad Mod protested.
The Lord pointed to another sign that says “If you disagree with the owner, make sure you can leave the bar in 1 second, because the owner can remove you in two seconds”.
“……..Right.” Mad Mod said, resigned. “Well then, I’ll just sample the wares of your fine pub! But I don’t see why you’re coming down on me when that other guy is selling stuff outside your door.”
“What?” The Lord said.
And outside the bar, another British voice spoke to nonexistent crowds.
“Capes! Get your capes! Every good bad guy needs a cape! Buy two, get the third one at half price!” Barked Evil John. (Created by the author Jedi-And. Snobby, sarcastic Englishman with powerful blasts. Wings of the Eagles Chapter 22)
The Lord appeared from the shadows.
“Get the hell off my property!”
“Hey man, you can’t suppress me! This is free enterprise.” Evil John protested.
“Maybe so, and if you don’t free yourself from my presence, I’ll free your ORGANS from your CHEST CAVITY!” The Lord roared. That gave Evil John pause.
“When you put it that way…” Evil John said. “Well, before I go, how about a cape?”
KA-BOOOOOM!
“It was only an offffffeeeeerrrrrrrr…” Evil John said as he flew through the air. He eventually landed in Metropolis as the Lord went back into his place. Back at the bar, Whim reappeared. Two new people are sitting at the bar. One of them, Grave (Can revive and control the dead. Rather skeletal and creepy looking chap. HAY), glanced at the woman next to him.
“Yes?” asked Peek-A-Boo (DC. Woman with an explosive teleportation ability. Black and White Chapter 12).
“Um…er…” Grave stammered, clearly nervous and shy. “Uh…hello?”
“Sweetie, I’ve seen the best of them all come and go. You ain’t all that impressive.” Peek-A-Boo said.
“Oh…” Grave said, looking sad. He looked about ready to give up, before it appears that he gets an idea.
“Wait…I think I may be.” Grave said.
“Oh?”
“Yes…you see…uh…” Grave said, as he reached into a pocket and withdrew what looked to be a bunch of small white sticks.
“They say that life’s a musical…but life has to end at some point…” Grave said, as he closed his hand and waved his other one over it. “Or…does it?”
And Grave opened his hand to reveal a bird skeleton. As Peek-A-Boo’s eyes widened, it somehow began to sing.
“………………..AHHHHHHHHHHHHH!”
And Peek-A-Boo teleported away, which caused a small explosion of force that knocked Grave off his stool and a few bottles off the bar.
A few seconds passed, as Grave climbed back into his seat, looking miserable, as Weather Wizard headed over.
“Women trouble?” He said.
“Yeah.”
“Yeah, they’re impossible creatures. That’s why I usually pay for it.” Weather Wizard said.
“Another Zombie.” Grave said, ordering a drink.
“Aw man, do you know how hard those are to make?” Weather Wizard complained.
“A Zombie please.” Grave said. Weather Wizard grumbled as he took out various bottles.
“Raassfrassn…I’m not Whim, I just can’t will the drinks out of thin air…”
And speaking of Whim, we now pan down the bar to see Whim standing and looking at a gigantic man, the Brick (Created by the author BobCat. Strong as a brick, tough as a brick, dumb as a brick. Nuff said. The Epic of Gauntlet Part 4.).
“M…ak….e m….” The Brick said, very slowly.
“Yes?” Whim replied, clearly impatient.
“…m…eeee….a….dr….dr…”
“Yes? YES?”
“….ink.”
“Make you a drink?”
“Y….essssss.”
“Ok.” Whim said, and snapped his fingers. Brick disappeared. A glass of dark liquor now stood on his stool. “You’re a drink!”
“HEY! You just turned my best enforcer into alcohol!” complained the Brick’s associate, Dr. Peregrine (Also created by the author BobCat. Genius scientist with high tech and bird-themed armor. Also The Epic of Gauntlet Part 4).
“Throw him in Gauntlet’s face. It would probably be more effective then any plan you could think of.” Whim said, smirking.
“Why you!” Dr. Peregrine snapped, and raised an arm as he began to activate his gravity-offense weapons. “Let’s see…!”
Peregrine disappeared in a puff of smoke, leaving a silver-colored drink on the bar. Whim picked it up, swirled it around in his mouth, and then spat it back into the glass and waved his hand. With more puffs of smoke, the two villains were back, Dr. Peregrine looking dazed and scared, the Brick uncomprehending.
“I’ll be good.” Dr. Peregrine whimpered.
“……..Huh?” Brick said. “….Whu…hap…pened?…Oh…ye…ah…mak…”
“ARGH!” Whim said, and snapped his fingers. A stunned Weather Wizard was suddenly standing in his place. And since we are not sadists, we will leave this part of the bar and go elsewhere…
“Hey Cinderblock…what the hell was Goofy?” Plasmus suddenly asked.
“What?” Cinderblock replied.
“You know, Disney! What the hell was Goofy? Mickey was a mouse, Donald was a duck, Pluto was a dog…what the hell was Goofy?”
“I think he was a dog too.” Cinderblock replied, all the while not noticing something slithering past his feet.
“Goofy wasn’t a dog! He…wore pants! And drove a car!” Plasmus protested. Who knows where this argument will go, because we are going back to the Troika.
“You know, I have to admit, no alcohol aside, these drinks are good.” Gizmo said.
“You couldn’t handle the alcohol anyway…MIKRON.” Mammoth teased.
“Don’t call me that, BARAN.” Gizmo shot back. “What happened, did your mother want to name you Baron and mixed up the vowels?”
“Please you two, stop fighting!” Jinx said.
“Sez you, you don’t even HAVE a real name in the DC universe. You’re just Jinx!” Mammoth replied.
“And proud of it.”
“Yeah, but since your cartoon incarnation is so different from your comic one, the author is just going to give you a name!” Gizmo said. Jinx looked scared.
“Eeep.” She whimpered.
“Heh heh, and knowing HER it’ll be something…” Gizmo said, as he turned a bit.
“BOO!”
“AHHHHHHHHHH!” Gizmo screamed, as he scrambled back and inadvertently activated a gadget that blasted him into the ceiling. The Scarecrow, clearly drunk, laughed.
“Ha ha ha! Look at me! I’m a phantom! Oggie boogie boogie!” He sputtered, as he staggered off.
“Crane never could hold his liquor.” The Joker said (DC, and if you don’t know who the Joker is, you don’t deserve to be reading this! Wings of the Eagles Chapter 24).
“Indeed.” said the Tally Man (DC. Oddly albeit coolly, IMOA, dressed hitman. Wings of the Eagles Chapter 5).
“Why are you here?” The Joker asked.
“The author thinks I’m cool.” The Tally Man replied.
“And why are YOU here?”
“The author paying homage to a friend.” Said Myth (Created by the author Jedi-And. Hulking half man half dragon. Flashing Lights and Sounds Chapter 5).
“And why are YOU here?”
“The author being cute.” Said Scrapheap (Mechanical patchwork quilt controlled by a malevolent AI. Is the only villain to go beyond HAY, as he/it is HBFCY, for Hasn’t Been Fully Created Yet).
“And why am I here?” The Joker asked as the Lord walked past.
“Because the author walked away five minutes ago to get a snack and her brother seized the computer so he could stick you in to overshadow me.” He said.
“Oh. What’s next?” The Joker asked.
“SEXY PARTY!” Stewie yelled, as he and girls in underwear appeared. They all start dancing. The villains look oddly at them.
“OK, THE BOSS IS BACK! GET! SHOO!” The Lord yelled.
“BLAST! BURN IN HELL!”
“Tried it, not really to my taste.” The Lord replied, and then he heard a strange noise. “Oh for the love of, now what…”
Now what was Wintergreen (Slade’s assistant, if you’ve forgotten), clearly drunk, which might explain why he’s on the stage.
“Old McDonald had a farm! EE-YI-EE-YI-OH! And on that farm he had a chick, the swingingest chick I know! With a wiggle wiggle here and a wiggle wiggle there…” Wintergreen sang.
“GET OFF THE STAGE!”
“I want to but I can’t!”
Scarecrow, meanwhile, had made his way back to his table and sat down. He made an incomprehensible happy noise and then fell face first onto the table.
“Thud, sigh, drool. Drool. Drool.” Onomatopoeia said.
“Yeesh, alcohol makes men even more foolish then they usually are.” Lady Vic said, as she checked her glass of champagne.
“Slide, lift, sip…blink, thwap.” Onomatopoeia said.
“Will you stop that!” Torque yelled, shaking his fist.
“Wave, wave, wave, thwoosh, rustle, pop, crack...”
Asphyxiation smashed a chair over Onomatopoeia’s head. The hitman fell off his own chair and hit the ground. “Crash, slip, thud, clatter, clatter, drip…drip…drip…”
“SHUT UP!” Asphyxiation yelled as he started kicking him.
“Thud, thud, smack, thud…”
“Argh, I give up!” Asphyxiation cursed, stalking away. He headed over to the bar. “Turn on the TV! Maybe there’s some rugby on!”
“Sorry, our cable’s messed up.” Whim apologized. “All we get is the A Channel.”
“The what?” Asphyxiation said.
“See for yourself.” Whim replied, and turned the TV on. Anarky (DC. Would be savior of the common man. Wings of the Eagles Chapter 1) appeared, talking to a stone statue of Justice, with scales and blindfolded eyes.
“Hello dear lady. A lovely evening is it not? Forgive me for intruding. Perhaps you were intending to take a stroll. Perhaps you were merely enjoying the view. No matter, I thought it was time we had a little chat, you and I. Ah, I am forgetting that we may not be properly introduced. I have many names, but you may call me Lonnie. Madam Justice, this is Lonnie, Lonnie, Madam Justice. Hello Madam Justice.
“Good evening Lonnie.” Replied “Madam Justice”, which was really Anarky doing ventriloquism, as it is a statue.
“There. Now we know each other.” Anarky went on. “Actually, I’ve been a fan of yours for quite some time. Oh, I know what YOU’RE thinking. “The poor boy has a crush on me, an adolescent infatuation.” But I beg your pardon Madam, as it isn’t like that at all. I’ve long admired you…albeit only from a distance. I used to stare at you from the streets when I was a child. I’d say to my father “Who is that lady?” and he’d say “That’s Madam Justice.” and I’D say “Isn’t she pretty.” And please don’t think it was merely physical. I know you’re not that sort of girl. No, I loved you as a person, as an ideal. But that was a long time ago…I’m afraid there’s someone else now…
“What? Lonnie, for shame! You have betrayed me for some harlot! Some vain and pouting hussy with painted lips and a knowing smile!” “Madam Justice” complained.
“I, Madam? I beg to DIFFER! It was YOUR infidelity that drove me to her arms!” Anarky yelled back. “AH HA! That surprised you, didn’t it? You thought I didn’t know about your little fling, but I do. I know everything! Frankly, I wasn’t surprised when I found out. You always did have an eye for a man in uniform.”
“Uniform? Why, I’m sure I don’t know what you’re talking about. It was always you, Lonnie. You were the only one…” “Madam Justice” protested.
“LIAR! SLUT! WHORE! Deny that you let him have your way with you, him with his overstuffed wallet and jackboots!… Well? Cat got your tongue? I thought as much. Very well, so you stand revealed at last. You are no longer MY justice. You are HIS justice now. You have bedded another. Well, TWO can play that game!”
“Sob! Choke! Wh-who is she Lonnie? What is her NAME?” “Madam Justice” cried.
“Her name is mine. Her name is ANARCHY, and she has taught me more as a mistress than you EVER did! She has taught me that justice is meaningless without freedom. She is honest. She makes no promises and breaks none, unlike you, Jezebel. I used to wonder why you could never look me in the eye. Now I know. So goodbye, dear lady. I would be saddened by our parting, even now, save that you are no longer the woman I once loved.” Anarky proclaimed, and then turned and walked away.
And a few seconds later the statue exploded. Off screen, you could hear Anarky speaking.
“The flames of freedom, how lovely, how just, my precious anarchy…‘Oh beauty, till now I never knew thee…’”
And that was as far as he got, as Asphyxiation smashed the television.
“That was pretty much MY reaction.” Whim said dryly.
“What the hell was all that babbling nonsense?”
“Ask Alan Moore.” Whim replied, and handed Asphyxiation a glass. “Here, this drink is on the house.”
“Great, another Tequila Collins!” Asphyxiation said. “Argh, why does that name piss me off so much!”
The Australian walked off. A second later, Raw appeared at the bar.
“Barkeep, quick! We need something to sober someone up, fast!” Raw said frantically. Whim looked wryly at her.
“Young lady, this is a bar. The words “sobering up” hardly apply here.”
“I’m not kidding! We need the mother of all coffees, or something!” Raw said, as she looked over to her table. Whim followed her gaze, and so do we, as we see Abrasion, who has his arms around Masterpiece and Standstill. He also appears to be disintegrating, slowly becoming dust.
“I LOVE YOU GUYZZZZ! We juste…” Abrasion slurred out before his face smacked into the table much like Scarecrow’s, as he continued to dissolve.
“Hmmmmmm, loss of sobriety is also affecting his ability to keep his metahuman ability under control, I see.” Whim said.
“Yes! I need something! Make it here! Here I’ll…” Raw said, as she picked up a glass…and it explodes. “FOR THE LOVE OF…!”
“All right, all right. I have just the thing.” Whim said, as a glass appeared in his hand. He put it on the bar, as he conjured some ingredients.
“One ounce of club soda, two ounces of beef broth, one ounce of tomato juice, one teaspoon of Worcestershire sauce, quarter of a teaspoon of lemon juice, three dashes of Tabasco-Habanero sauce, and some dried garlic. There you go, one Bloody Bullshot.” Whim said, offering the concoction to Raw.
“Great!” Raw said as she grabbed it and ran off.
“Well, another happy customer.” Whim said, and turned to another patron, even as agonized screams are heard in the background. “Now sir, would you like something else?”
“No! My Red Pagoda is fine!” Snapped Kurai (Created by the author BobCat. Humorless and honor-obsessed Japanese teen with immense energy powers. The Epic of Gauntlet Part 5).
“Sure you don’t want to try something else? How about a Blind Kamikaze?” Whim smirked.
“YOU INSULT ME! PERISH!” Kurai shouted, and fired an energy blast at Whim. But Whim just held up his hand and the blast deflected away and into the main section.
Elsewhere, there was a flash and Warp was an adult again.
“Finally! Now for…”
The energy blast slammed into him, as restoring his age had also made him tall enough to get hit by it. “AHHHHHHH NOT FAIIRRRR!”
Warp hit the wall and collapsed. A few seconds later, a miserable Puppet King showed up to drag him away. Elsewhere…
